Oh, foolish me.
I made the biscuits easily enough. Sure, they were the Bisquick kind, but they would do. The gravy was a bit more difficult. I had the basic gravy components: butter, flour, milk, and seasoning. What I didn't have was suitable meat. I didn't even have ham lunch meat. All I had was a hot dog, and a can of tuna. Clearly, those would never do. But I wanted gravy, and gravy I was going to have. So rather than (sanely) giving up and just eating the biscuits with butter and boysenberry jam, I decided to use some of the chicken flavor from a pack of Ramen. And so I did.
Shockingly enough, chicken Ramen flavored gravy is not delicious. And so, employing my usual method of masking the flavor of something that is not delicious, I proceeded to add pepper. A lot of pepper. Enough pepper that the gravy turned gray. Needless to say, it didn't really help. I put it on a biscuit anyway. And ate it.
This was a mistake.
The moral of the story is: Even if you're craving a certain food, if you don't have certain essential ingredients, don't even try. Or chances are, you will find yourself lying on your bed in agony two hours later, regretting every decision you have ever made.
(What I made was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the gravy in this picture)